Helping Children by Engaging Their Parents

by Donna Foster – from the Fostering Perspectives newsletter

Kim was 12 years old and had been in foster care for some time when she came to live with us. As we got to know one another, I asked Kim why she left her other foster homes, where she had been placed with her sisters. She was very clear: “I wanted to see my Mom and my sisters hated my Mom. I wanted to go home with her and I felt no one there (at the foster home) would help me.”

After hearing her viewpoint of her past life and future plans, I understood why Kim voiced her demands from the start. She wanted to see her Mom, talk about her Mom, and one day, go home to her Mom.

What she didn’t know about me was that, as a foster parent, I believe the stronger the healthy connections are between a child and her birth family, the more resources I have available to help the child.

I never discourage children from talking about their birth families. Understanding their families aids me in understanding the children. If I want to do my part in helping children understand their situations and plan for their futures, there isn’t any room for judgment. Who they are is where they have come from. The people who take part in the growing years of a child make an imprint on the child’s life; they all become a piece of who and what the child becomes.

Engaging Kim’s Mom
Kim’s mother was very angry at me and at DSS. She resisted the Judge’s orders: parenting classes, therapy, stable employment, and adequate housing. She had a job and was ready for a larger apartment if the children could come home. But she felt she didn’t need to do the other things.

When I first met her she was forceful and angry. But when I acted in ways to build her trust in me, such as sitting behind her in court to support her and giving her updates on Kim’s daily developments, she mellowed. In time, she did all she was ordered to do. Kim’s mother had a personal disaster which lengthened Kim’s return, but throughout the years, she showed her love to Kim. Kim and I wrote a letter to the Judge stating our strong support for reunification and listed the factual proof of Kim’s mother’s involvement with her.

In the five years Kim lived with us her mother and my husband and I shared in parenting Kim. Her mother attended all of Kim’s school events, meetings, and church activities. She and I developed the house rules and consequences and we enforced them together. She chose to use the same discipline plan with Kim on her visits home.

Kim’s grandmother stepped forward when Kim’s mother needed a support person to help her raise Kim in her teen years. In the end, Kim, her mother, and her grandmother lived together for two and a half years until Kim went out on her own.

Kim needed this time to reconnect with her family. There were hard times (raising a teen is difficult for any parent) but the good times were wonderful. Kim regained her relationships with her siblings as the years passed. I felt instrumental in aiding Kim on her adolescent journey and we will be there for her throughout her life.

An unexpected benefit to being a foster parent for Kim and working with her birth family was that our two families became one. Kim never felt she had to choose one family over another.

Not all children have happy endings. There are birth families who don’t want to cooperate or are dangerous to their children and others. There are absent parents. There are children who don’t want to reunite.

Even so, there are ways to help children gather information about their families and understand their situation. Time spent helping children fill in their life’s gaps through talking and creating a life book builds a stronger relationship between foster parents, social workers, and the child. In the end, the child wins.

Donna Foster, an author, national trainer, and consultant, lives in Charlotte, NC. This article has been adapted from “The Voice of a Child,” in Fostering Perspectives v. 4, n. 2.

Copyright © 2008 Jordan Institute for Families

From the Fostering Perspectives newsletter

Ethiopian Orphan Benefit Dinner & Auction

From the Carolina Hope website:

On Saturday, September 6, from 6:30-8:30 p.m., Carolina Hope is having an Ethiopian Orphan Benefit. The event will be held at Furman University in Greenville, SC.

In addition to dinner, the fundraiser will feature…

• live musical entertainment
• a silent auction with jewelry, rounds of golf, clothing, home interior pieces, purses, spa treatments, a girls night out package, and more

RSVP

You can make your reservation by purchasing your tickets through PayPal:

• Buy 1 ticket ($30)
• Buy 2 tickets ($50)

Once you’ve purchased your tickets, please email Samantha Pecorak (SamanthaP@CarolinaHopeAdoption.org). She can also provide answers to any questions you have about the event.

(If you prefer to mail a check rather than pay online, you can send the money to Carolina Hope, Attn: Samantha Pecorak, Designate: Ethiopian Orphan Dinner. Our address is on our Contact page.)

Start your morning right…

It’s a great to find new ways to help orphans.  Now you can help when you buy coffee.  What a wonderful idea!  Saint’s Coffee was started by Tom Davis, author of Fields of the Fatherless and a huge advocate for the orphans of our world.  The company invests 1/3 of their net profits into organizations that help orphans.  America is full of coffee drinkers.  You can enjoy your cup of java and help a wonderful cause.  I haven’t placed my order yet, but I plan to soon!

“It’s hard to shop your values these days.  But American consumers have more power than ever…why not turn that into a powerful force for good?  Saint’s Coffee is about bringing justice to orphans first.  Let’s face it we all buy coffee.  What we individually spend on coffee is  more than most people in the developing world make in an entire year.  So what can YOU do about that?

Use your greatest power – the power to CHOOSE who you buy coffee from.  No, we don’t have 40,000 stores on every street corner in America.  This movement’s not about convenience, it’s about buying coffee that reflects your values…coffee that cares about the same things you do.”  

- From the Saint’s Coffee website

 

Shining the Spotlight on Foster Parents!

Here is an article from the Fostering Perspectives Newsletter.  You can check out more at fosteringperspectives.org.

by Stacey Darbee, President, NC Foster and Adoptive Parent Association

This year foster parents, families, and children will be in the spotlight as the NC Foster and Adoptive Parent Association, the NC Division of Social Services, and their partners advocate for higher board rates for children in care. NCFAPA encourages you to become educated on this issue and to be proactive in getting the support that foster parents need.

As foster parents we take on a commitment that few in our society would even dream of. True, child welfare professionals, mental health practitioners, and child advocates give energy, blood, sweat, and tears. But no one else demonstrates the level of commitment that a foster parent has. When we say 24/7, we actually mean 24 hours a day, 7 days a week!

From early morning to the chaos of bedtime and often throughout the night, foster parents are at the ready. Foster parenting is not a challenge to be taken lightly—it is for generous souls who are hearty of heart, flexible, and thick skinned. We aren’t super heroes. But we are every day heroes.

It is time for foster parents to ask for what they need. There is no shame in asking for the support necessary to do what we do in the very best way possible. That support comes in many different shapes and forms. This year we are asking for an increase in the rate at which foster parents are reimbursed for expenses they incur in caring for children. In other words, we are asking for an increase in the foster care board rate.

Hitting the MARC
In October 2007 a study was published about establishing foster care “minimum adequate rates for children” (MARC) across the country. This report was a joint venture of Children’s Rights, the National Foster Parent Association, and the University of Maryland- School of Social Work, working in conjunction with a large advisory group. This report, “Hitting the MARC,” is the first study that calculates the real expenses of caring for a child in foster care in the United States. This report will be essential data we need as we educate the General Assembly and the public about the costs associated with raising children in foster care. To find this report visit <www.ncfapa.org> and click on the “Resources” tab.

NCFAPA fully endorses the legislative agenda of the Covenant with North Carolina’s Children, a statewide advocacy group. This agenda supports a board rate increase and additional foster care funding by the state to fully secure federal Chafee Funds.

Another Successful Conference
Our 10th Anniversary Conference, Shining the Spotlight…A Decade of Dedication was held in Winston Salem April 25 – 27, 2008. It was truly remarkable! Over 500 of North Carolina’s foster, adoptive, and kinship parents joined together for a weekend of learning, sharing, resting, games, and some dancing fun. Family Feud will never be the same again!

This year we offered 55 different workshops and institutes. We were especially proud to “up the ante” and provide some higher-level training for more experienced parents. Participants asked for humor and fun and we obliged, giving them Family Feud and the comedy of Joanne Scaturro and Donna Foster. Once again we focused our closing session on Advocacy for ourselves and our children, as Ms. Karen McLeod, President/CEO of the Child and Family Services Assocaition–NC, discussed issues in North Carolina that are of great importance to us all.

Updated Website
Over the past year our website has changed, evolved, and grown. It is now fully functioning and we hope that you will visit it often. There you will find links to other conferences and training of interest and also surveys and information specifically for parents in North Carolina. Look to it often for news, surveys, updates, and member benefits.

Copyright © 2008 Jordan Institute for Families

From the Fostering Perspectives Newsletter

Honduras Mission Trip

A couple from Hands of Hope is leading a mission trip to Orphanage Emmanuel in Honduras.  Justin and Rebekah, along with their infant son and a group of youth, are spreading the love of Jesus. 

Follow their journey by going to their blog JustinandRebekah.com.

One Family’s Adoption Story

The Cuchens Family

Home Is Where Your Story Begins . . .

It is amazing to us that some people perceive “family” to mean only those with biological children. This was a source of sadness as we navigated the rocky waters of infertility. It often seemed as though there were families everywhere and we had not “arrived” yet. We never knew that God would be leading us to begin a different kind of family – one that is not always recognized as a “real family” to the outside world. We have been the proud parents to three children. We have said goodbye to two. We are a foster family.

We began the journey of adoption through the foster care system in the summer of 2005. Honestly, this is not a path we would have chosen for ourselves. It was far too scary. But God impressed upon our hearts that this was the path that would lead to our children. We knew it would be filled with unknown challenges and much heartache, and we were right. But the rewards have far outweighed the tough times. Psalm 68:6 states that “God sets the lonely in families,” and that is what He has done for us and our children. 

In choosing the foster-to-adopt path, we knew that some children would come into our home for a short time and then leave. The fear of saying “goodbye” holds many people back from choosing this path. The way we see it, God does not promise anyone a lifetime with their child. Tragically some children die at birth, while others may go to be with God before adulthood.  So we have chosen to love each one of our children with wild abandon, no matter how long or how short they are in our care. This is the kind of love and devotion they deserve.

This path has also required that we learn how to work with caseworkers, CASA and our children’s attorneys, all of which can be quite exhausting at times. We have also had to dispel some of the myths associated with foster children, such as they are all developmentally delayed, addicted to drugs, physically abused and the like. The reasons why a child comes into care are varied and each child’s story is as unique as the child itself.

It has also been challenging to bring a child into our family having missed his or her entire infancy. We have had to bond with young children who have entered our family in need of strong guidance and structure, as all toddlers do. Yet, we did not have a foundation of love and nurture in infancy upon which to build. We have had to work on healing the wounds of what they missed out on as babies, while also teaching them the skills they need to enter childhood. We have a small plaque in our house that reads, “Home is Where Your Story Begins…” We pray the story of many little lives will begin in our home.

We are currently the parents of a very active, fun-loving toddler boy who will turn two in the fall.  He has been in our home for seven months and we hope to adopt him by the end of the year. We will name him Isaac, which means laughter. The hardest part of parenting our son has been how others sometimes react. We are not the same race as our son and this elicits many stares and some questions. We often have to defend the fact that he is indeed “ours,” even though he did not come into our family by birth and does not yet have our last name. We are the only Mommy and Daddy he knows. We look forward to the day when we will be his forever family.

Though this path has not been an easy one, it has been filled with innumerable joys. Robert Frost said, “I took the road less traveled by and that has made all the difference.” We have been blessed and amazed to watch the resilience of the human spirit as our child has made great progress over these months. There is a great need in our country for foster parents as there are currently over 500,000 kids in the U.S. foster care system. But all the work that goes into being licensed to foster and to adopt is worth it when a child enters your home. With every child we have been blessed to love we have had moments of thanksgiving to God for his mercies in bringing us our long awaited children and in giving them what all children deserve…a family.

Billy and Laurie live in Denton and in 2006 they finalized Isaac’s adoption.  They have also since adopted Viviana.  Article from Tapestry , Irving Bible Church in Texas.

New Orphan Care Facility in Ethiopia

It’s always exciting to hear about how others are helping orphans.  There is a wonderful new orphan care facility being planned in Ethiopia.  It is sponsored by Christian World Adoption.  The facility will care for orphans by providing for orphans who are waiting to be adopted.  There is a blog post about it here.  You can also read more about it by going directly to CWA. 

 

 

Is Adoption Really a Christian Duty?

CBNNews.com by Charlene Israel- The Bible tells us to care for the orphans and that task grows tougher each year. Right now, there are an estimated 140 million orphans worldwide.

How can we stem this tide? A group of Christian organizations and churches are working together to find the answer.

Images of children singing and dancing with joyful hearts are not usually associated with orphans. 

But that is just one focus of the Christian Alliance for Orphans, a group working to heighten awareness and motivate Christians to care for orphans.

More than 600 church and ministry leaders met recently in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida for an adoption summit to spread the word to the world.

Che Walters is the president of Caring World.

“Originally I’m an immigrant from Camaroon, Africa,” he said.  “I’ve seen the big need for the world to join together to help the orphan kids and I think part of my mission is to join this global fight.”

800,000 Children in U.S. Foster Care

Bethann Richard came all the way from Joshua, Texas to attend the summit. 

“When you’ve had an opportunity to watch a child get water to drink from the same pond that animals are drinking from and standing in it changes you. You realize there’s a world out there that needs your help,” she told CBN News.  “It’s important for me to be here to learn how to help those kids.”

Disaster, disease and neglect have put more than 143 million children in a desperate situation. The Burma cyclone and the China earthquake have left thousands of children orphaned in just a matter of days. According to recent statistics, every fourteen seconds — an AIDS-related death takes a parent away from their children.  Some 800,000 children pass through America’s foster care system each year.

Maridel Sandberg is the co-founder of the Christian Alliance for Orphans.  She believes the Church is the answer to that problem.

“We’re just encouraging the whole body, everybody,” she told CBN News.  “Not everybody can adopt.  Not everybody can go to China.  But you can be here as a resource.  You can care for a foster child.  You can provide resources,” Sandberg explained.  “You can provide respite for a foster family, who just needs a break from their kids.  It’s what God is doing and we get to benefit, because we get to be along to watch him work right there.”

Kay Warren, author and wife of renowned pastor Rick Warren, issued a stirring challenge for the Church to do more about caring for orphans.

“Six years ago, I became a serious and permanently-disturbed woman,” she said.  “This is what it will take for orphans for the Church to respond. The Church must become — not this — ‘God, yes,  I surrender,’ but so disturbed that we are compelled,” Warren explained.  “We must act.  It no longer becomes optional.  It no longer becomes something we do if we have time, if we can fit it into our schedules.”

Celebrities are also joining the fight to save orphans.  Eduardo Verastegui, one of the stars of the pro-family movie Bella, credits the film for changing his outlook on life.

“My goal and our goal should be to empty every single orphanage in the world,” he said.  “Children don’t need to be there.  They should have a family who loves them. If more people think about adoption, if more people know about what adoption really is, no children would be in orphanages. Instead of orphanages, we need to have the children placed in families that care for them and that’s what I want to do,” Verastegui continued.

Focus on the Family’s John Fuller says a growing number of Christians share the same sentiments as Verastegui.

“I think what we’re seeing here with 600 or more people is just the start of something and in five or 10 years it’s going to be pretty uncommon to not adopt or not care for orphans,” he said.  “I think the norm will be for Christians to be engaged in more than just giving, but in going and in helping kids.”

Jedd Medefind is Deputy Director of the White House Faith-Based Initiative. He sees more Christians getting involved in adoption.

“All over the country Christians in particular, are saying this is a central call of my faith and we’re going to engage adoption issues abroad.  But often what’s exciting is as they’re engaging need overseas, they’re beginning to see the needs in their own community with foster care,” Medefind explained.  And so we’re seeing on all those levels just a really sweeping engagement of the church in orphan needs.”

Orphans Promise

CBN’s Operation Blessing is behind a new initiative called Orphans Promise.

Natalia Khomyak is the spokesperson for Orphans Promise.  “We’re trying to be the hands and feet of the Lord to these children,” she said.  “We are trying to be the parents they do not have.”

CBN partners Christian and Colleen Bunse are helping to spread the word about adoption and Orphans Promise.

“Right now, our heart and our vision is to incorporate churches,” Mrs. Bunze said.  “Mobilize churches sharing the same heart for orphans and coming alongside churches and helping them build an orphan ministry through Orphans Promise.

“Orphans Promise has a vision that is big and it is a vision that can help all these kids,”  Bunze told CBN News.  “As we came to this orphans summit, we realized that there are other organizations that have the same vision — how do we work together as a team to help all the 143 million orphans around the world?”

Like a growing number of Christian couples, Andrew and Alisia Buckner of South Florida have answered the call to adopt. The couple already have four children from previous marriages when their church inspired them to adopt four more.

“The need is such that if there are a hundred kids out there for adoption, the number of infant white babies is really small,” Buckner said.  “So if you’re waiting for that you’re going to miss out on this great opportunity.”

And when asked if adoption was something they prayed about, Mrs. Buckner had this response.  “It was absolutely something we prayed over, because left up to us we would have talked ourselves out of it.  We would have been too scared.  Then there’s alway the questions of are we going to have enough money and what it this going to do to the children living at home?”

People attending this summit and events like it are becoming more equipped and better prepared to care for orphans not only in America, but around the world.  As the church becomes more involved, the hope is there will be more doers of God’s word and not just hearers.  After all, Jesus said, “Whatever you do for the least of these, you do unto me.”

Two bright lights…

Sometimes we all need a reality check.  I got a big one last weekend.  It came in the form of two very special house guests.  Their names are Sharon & Flavia.  They are 2 members of the Ugandan Children’s Choir that we had the privilege of housing Saturday night.  The choir is touring this summer to raise money for the Royal School & Orphanage in Uganda. 

Flavia (age 11) and Sharon (age 12), come from a world of poverty.  Their visit made me think about all the things I take for granted – electricity, running water, a refrigerator full of food, excessive amounts of “stuff” and (I hate to admit this one) my family.  It’s amazing how certain experiences will cause us to look at our lives with fresh eyes.  I know I am blessed, but don’t always think of my blessings in the way I should.

These two girls shine the light of Jesus – through their smiles, attitudes and songs.  You should have seen them praising God with the rest of the choir.  It still gives me chills to think about it.  Unashamed, unhindered - pure worship.   

I am now even more committed to God’s call to care for orphans.  My prayer is that God would continue to prick my heart so I will be fully obedient to His will.

Sheri – Hands of Hope coordinator

A Wonderful Opportunity

Become a “Sweet Dreams” Bed Sponsor

 Sweet dreams is a wish for every child, but some of the children who come to Baptist Children’s Homes have never experienced a restful night. Their nights have been filled with fear and scary sounds, shivers and dampness, nightmares and long hours lying awake in the darkness.

At Baptist Children’s Homes, children find rest. Every evening they sit at dinner tables and enjoy good, nutritious meals. They bathe and dress in clean bed clothes. They fall asleep in warm, comfortable beds.

Christian men and women wrap their arms around children with a loving touch. They help them feel safe and encourage them to trust in a loving God who will keep them for all eternity.

Introducing a new giving oppor-tunity – become a “Sweet Dreams” Bed Sponsor! You can become an inaugural 2008 Bed Sponsor for a gift of only $120.00. Or sponsor a room with two beds for $240.00. Sponsor all the beds in a cottage for $1,200.00. This inaugural sponsorship is for the remainder of this year. In January 2009, you will have the first opportunity to renew your sponsorship for the year with a one-time gift of $300.00 a bed or a pledge of $25.00 per month per bed.

One thousand bed sponsors are needed during this inaugural offer.

Your sponsorship entitles you to have your name engraved on a plaque and the plaque mounted on a child’s bed for this introductory time period. Each night, your name can serve as a reminder to a boy that you are remembering him as he slips away to “sweet dreams.”

Your bed sponsor gift entitles your plaque to be a reminder until 2009. If you choose to continue to be a “Sweet Dreams” Bed Sponsor, your gift next year will assure that your plaque remains as a reminder to a child of your love and care for an additional 12 months. Gifts can be made in honor or memory of a special person.

Each plaque is a minimum 3 inches wide and 1.25 inches deep. Names are engraved. Imagine a child tucked into her bed and as she slips away to slumber every night your gift reminds her that you love her. She will be set for an evening of “sweet dreams.” Make your gift now! This inaugural offer is good only until July 18.

To become a “Sweet Dreams” Bed Sponsor, contact Brenda Gray at 336-474-1230 or bbgray@bchfamily.org

From Baptist Children’s Home website